so i hate myself when i am awake and caused by none other than another stupid sleepless attempt-insomiac attack again. but this time is different. today i had spent yet another day with my sister, we were finishing where we have left before when she was around and Eja did an appointment with me again today with Yazid to walk around town. nothing fancy, just food, us, some fever and car fuels. besides that, the only thing that kept bothering me is my family. bothering me in a good way.
as i tried to sleep after the day trails off to an end, i re-captured the blissful moments when i was with my family. from that moment, i really shouldn't be even trying to sleep cs whenever i think of them, i'l either smile or cry (of happiness). but this time i cried. i miss them so badly, this anticipation of going back home is wildy alluring toward my senses and making my brain stop functioning well.
then again i remembered my preggar sister, Diwi whom is a few more months away before welcoming a brand new 3rd generation of our family. then, i have magically seen the faces of my parents. filled with ease, relieved and somewhat happy and just not any words can become a comparison.
then, i was thinking, how can time passes by so fast. the last thing i remembered when i was a little kid, running around under my dad's pants, pushing my neighbour's shoulder one another, taking bath together outside of the house, and now i am looking down to my dad, talking as if i am a genetically grown human being compared to my dad. i hate to see bad surprises coming out from my parents faces, that is wrinkles. i am at my happiest to see laugh lines grows like mushroom plant instead.
everytime i go back and finally able to see them and hold their head on my palm gives me such awakening experience on how i should take life more meaningful. i love my parents uncomparably as how much i love all my siblings are. they are basically my life, take one of them away, and you'll see me dying, literally.
im not even sure, why suddenly the matter of family appeared in my head but it has gave me an impact on how i should learn more and appreciate more on basically everything. when i rolled myself to see me doing this all, i was hoping to have a gun by my side and burst my brain out from it, i don't come here just to please whoever i think i should, i come here to please them, my families, to help them, my families. as much ignorance or whatever you call it i have put to the worthless life i've gave here, i am still somehow fragile inside and optimistic within.
i wish for a truthful wake up call would wake me up from this uneasy disturbance so that i could keep that in my mind, keep my family in my mind, all the time.