it has been like a while now since i started to kick myself in the mode of study when i got here. everything had happened and everything had changed too. i started to lay myself in the lazy-land nowadays, wasting much more precious time on countless bulldungs that i dont particularly would called it as beneficial to myself for doing such useless activities. just make it short, i dont study much. got it? worse part is i dont blog much as well, its not that i dont want to (believe me, it is at wits end to fill up yourself with so many unexpressed and constrained feelings and thoughts) blog but i just dont have spare time to relax and breath till the next assignments given.
weekdays are turning itself to catostrophic aggravation as now i feel like time is definitely running fast. fast as if now, EXAM IS NEAR THE CORNER AND I HAVENT EVEN SWOT UP ON MY SYLLABUS YET! like what am i turning to despite a word called STUPID!
im freaking out now. like seriously. not like seing Miley Cyrus masturbating herself on stage with her new song called ouh-like-i-even-give-a-damn kinda freaking out or like ouh mj had flabbergasted the world as he appears to be still alive after digging himself out from hell. but this is different kinda freaking out, as if like im now like at the edge of the building and ready to jump off but just realized it was only 30cm high from the ground and how i terrified to step on the groud and wanted to feel like im dead.
another worse part is, what happen to all my gifted talent that god gave me. surprise me with my hand-ability to create arts that full of meaningful and harmonious images? now, i cant draw! i cant produce ideas anymore! probably im waiting on the suppose-d inspiration to come but its taking too long to be inspired. like, iv been left behind from people that doesnt even care much about drawings, typically. for instance, in architectural drawing we gotta make some sketches out of letterings and i made a portrait and its been (not completely) rejected. (the tutor guy said i just need to have more discipline on my works). this is MAJOR!
i cant seems to see myself having fun anymore, i mean i didnt even went back sabah during this semester break. my decision to stay here in college is just one of the bad idea iv determined so far. i cant believe i wanted to stay in kl and leaving my family spoilt themselves by missing me too much back at home. gosh i missed them!
and now, from one to another worse part. i am sensing something fishy towards people around me here in um. i mean, yes they're amazing, they're friendly and all but i dont feel the vibe of welcoming. now, that i just had time to rest up my scattered brain, i just realized i actually need to feed these people with my authenticity and my genuineness. i feel like im the one who needed to react towards them and not the other way around. im not being myself.
people found me snobbish in way i couldnt explain because they're being snobbish to me too. what can i do when you left me hangin' saying hi to you and you dont say hi back to me. do you call that unfair too?
buuuttt at some part im thinking that im being way too over-protective to my insecurity that iv spent so much time thinking on these bullshits. resolutions=stop thinking about it + live in your own world that is far much better than living in others.
back to my live here in university malaya, there were once that i felt like im almost out of hope and gave up on the tension here that im trying to figure out how to tell my dad to quite from here. but naah, i was being so recklessly stupid that moment so lets just pretend that never happened. i took baby-steps on building my confidence not just in myself but also in my study. i might not get it like in a snap but its not a criminal to double-up your efforts right. so instead of dragging myself all the way down rambling on shitty stuffs happening/happened in my life. i will just put one conclusion towards my absence in my blog, I MISSED MY BLOG SO MUCH THAT EVERYTIME I WANTED TO FEEL LIKE SUICIDING AND THOUGHT OF BLOGGING I WOULD SMILE BACK and actually my life throughout i was being here wasnt sucked much. maybe im being too melodramatic but gotta learn the whole definition of the word ADAPTION. for now, will come back more soon with rad stuffs and more updates. good day faggots! xo