Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I don't know what I'd do wrong

You know, sometimes I've asked myself this question repeatedly in different situations, "What if I just don't exist in this world, or at least, what if I just die? As in like, dead, hit by a lorry, or had a cancer, or a burglar shot me or committed suicide. What if I...pass away?"

Wouldn't that be easier for everyone else? For my parents, at least they would have one more person less to think about. For my friends, at least they would have one more person in their life they won't bother to care about. For my girlfriend, or ex- now, at least you wont suffer or I'm watching you suffering. Why would I do this to her? It's like unfair. For her. But it's for the best, so what am I suppose to say? What am I suppose to do? I'm doing this for our sake not for myself only. I'm not using you as a reason for me to break this off. In fact, you're too good for me to be my girlfriend. I salute you in so many ways, they way you see things, you study, you think, you think creatively. I adore you.

Dear you,

If one day I die which there is a possibility right, can you just send my apologise to my parents? Tell them, I'm the proudest son they could ever own to have them as my parents? Cause you know why? I don't wanna live anymore. Not if I see you dying out of depression.

I'm no Romeo. I'm just going through life. That's all. If you see that I'm dumping you, then you're wrong. I want us, just the way we are before. Like we used to be. I'm helping you more than you think I'm dumping you. I'm sorry. Sincerely sorry. I love you but I know, that would make me sounds like a jerk. But yeah, now I understand the meaning of regret. Thanks for everything.

Monday, November 28, 2011

...and so, I'm inspired by an inspiration

"For me, the muscle of curiosity and appreciation, enables the muscle of imagination."

Saturday, November 26, 2011


Title: Self-Portrait I : Self Reflection
Medium: Pencil on paper
Price: NFS
Size: A3
Title: Self-Portrait II : It Grows in Me
Medium: Pen on paper
Price: NFS
Size: A3
Title: Self-Portrait III : Morpho Didius (A Butterfly Species)
Medium: Mized Media
Price: NFS
Size: A3
Title: Self-Portrait IV : Anomaly in Another Anomaly
Medium: Mixed Media
Price: NFS
Size: A4
Title: Self-Portrait V : Self Reflection II
Medium: Oil on canvas
Price: NFS
Size: A5

Hi guys, been a long time right. I have been caught up with so many shits and things that need to be done, so it was quite impossible to find time to sit and write my blog. I didn't realized that I'm actually towards the end of the first semester here. And time pass by pretty fast. Everything happens in nanoseconds.

Anyway, just so you know that I have been trying to make an appeal to get into Architecture. And I managed to make an appeal so hopes now everything will not end up all messed up. I already got two recommendation letters from my art lecturer and Pengarah Balai Seni Lukis, Pn Jennifer Linggi. Gosh, I dont know how repay their good deeds especially Mrs Jenn.

Oh and those artworks of mine, I did it for Young Talent Exhibition thats happening on January in Sabah Art Gallery I think. I took quite some times to finished all of it but overall I'm happy with how it turns out as a collection. I decided to do self-portraits of myself as a kick-start to my first art exhibition in my life. Although, I probably couldn't be there during the opening ceremony but I think I still can see the exhibition during my holiday on January. Hope so. I'm homesick. x

Monday, November 7, 2011

It rhymes!

This is my happy face when I'm in the studio!

Is it me or my room at home is full of ants, ants are everywhere, it keeps on coming, crawling up to my legs. fuck this shit. Ok random.

Hi guys, it's been like a few days now since I'm back home in Sabah for our mid-sem break. So far, my day couldn't get any better when I'm around with my family. They made me smile in whatever things they're doing.

And now is the third day I'm here, I think, and it's almost midnight, and I'm thinking a lot of things during midnight when I can't go to sleep. And one of them is about my study.

Let me specifically explain to you guys why exactly am I not happy in what I'm doing now. I gave myself a descent few weeks to grow my interest in what I'm doing now. It's failing. I started to force myself to like this course after my duration of giving this course a chance had passed. It's failing. The lecturers are killing me, they called themselves as USA's grads and use the USA's ways of teaching but they got all mixed up between the local ways of teaching with the thinking of the Western people. And they ended up being so strict, that they're not even sure in what they're doing to us. It's failing. Nothing I did before was something that I expected like getting those straight A's in studio until I knew I have it at the back of my hand, I started to down grade again. Fuck!

To add my misery, the Architecture studio is just next door. I have no problem with the students, they're great. It's just that, almost most of the time when I wanna go to MY studio and passed by their studio, it's so heart-broking knowing that I'm not using their studio. I, surprisingly, still wants to be in Architecture. Of all this minutes, hours, days, weeks of studying in my course, still don't give me anything. Although they said, my course and Architecture would have some resemblance but FUCK, nothing similar between these course.

Yes I'm writing an essay, so fuck off If you don't wanna read it.

And now, I'm thinking to change university. Yes, drastic measurement. I can't think up of anything else, I might just kill the risk by going for a shot in a new place. But it still in the midst of air though, don't jump off the conclusion. I haven't decide. What I'm sure now is, I wanna be in Architecture. And it kills me already to be in UM and can only see my friends do their assignments when I can do so much better. No offense.

My heart isn't for this planning course. AT ALL. NO KIDDING. I'm so depress that I've reached that limit where I think, I would be happier if I dont pursue my degree now. But yeah, that's crazy. All I'm saying is, I. Dont. Want. To. Be. In. Planning.


Friday, November 4, 2011

Don't need to sing me a song cause if you're happy in your head...

Ac and Hana in our studio :D

Oh god, I don't know how to express my feelings now. I am just too happy to even write about how I feel at this moment.Let me take a moment. Okay. Because, finally mid-sem break's here. And I'm going back to Sabah, as in my home! Oh yes, that blissfulness and glee circulating my head is as if it's surreal. As if like i can see those tiny little happy debris playing around my eyes and I'm enjoying seeing it now. I'm getting tied up with university works and assignments, those mundane and lame activities I've participated are sickening my head. So, now, one week. No stress. No nothing. Just me, my family and most importantly my room and my bed. AND OH YES, BE JEALOUS BITCHES! NOT TO MENTION HOME-COOK FOOD TOO!!! And I want to meet Faw, oh I miss you!

As you know, I've changed my blog url. It's a backward spelling of FFFFENDI so mind you of it's complication to get in my blog okay. And I changed it due to some privacy reasons. Adios.