I don't know what I'd do wrong

You know, sometimes I've asked myself this question repeatedly in different situations, "What if I just don't exist in this world, or at least, what if I just die? As in like, dead, hit by a lorry, or had a cancer, or a burglar shot me or committed suicide. What if I...pass away?"

Wouldn't that be easier for everyone else? For my parents, at least they would have one more person less to think about. For my friends, at least they would have one more person in their life they won't bother to care about. For my girlfriend, or ex- now, at least you wont suffer or I'm watching you suffering. Why would I do this to her? It's like unfair. For her. But it's for the best, so what am I suppose to say? What am I suppose to do? I'm doing this for our sake not for myself only. I'm not using you as a reason for me to break this off. In fact, you're too good for me to be my girlfriend. I salute you in so many ways, they way you see things, you study, you think, you think creatively. I adore you.

Dear you,

If one day I die which there is a possibility right, can you just send my apologise to my parents? Tell them, I'm the proudest son they could ever own to have them as my parents? Cause you know why? I don't wanna live anymore. Not if I see you dying out of depression.

I'm no Romeo. I'm just going through life. That's all. If you see that I'm dumping you, then you're wrong. I want us, just the way we are before. Like we used to be. I'm helping you more than you think I'm dumping you. I'm sorry. Sincerely sorry. I love you but I know, that would make me sounds like a jerk. But yeah, now I understand the meaning of regret. Thanks for everything.

...and so, I'm inspired by an inspiration

x

"For me, the muscle of curiosity and appreciation, enables the muscle of imagination."

Abandon

Title: Self-Portrait I : Self Reflection

Medium: Pencil on paper

Price: NFS

Size: A3

Title: Self-Portrait II : It Grows in Me

Medium: Pen on paper

Price: NFS

Size: A3

Title: Self-Portrait III : Morpho Didius (A Butterfly Species)

Medium: Mized Media

Price: NFS

Size: A3

Title: Self-Portrait IV : Anomaly in Another Anomaly

Medium: Mixed Media

Price: NFS

Size: A4

Title: Self-Portrait V : Self Reflection II

Medium: Oil on canvas

Price: NFS

Size: A5

Hi guys, been a long time right. I have been caught up with so many shits and things that need to be done, so it was quite impossible to find time to sit and write my blog. I didn't realized that I'm actually towards the end of the first semester here. And time pass by pretty fast. Everything happens in nanoseconds.

Anyway, just so you know that I have been trying to make an appeal to get into Architecture. And I managed to make an appeal so hopes now everything will not end up all messed up. I already got two recommendation letters from my art lecturer and Pengarah Balai Seni Lukis, Pn Jennifer Linggi. Gosh, I dont know how repay their good deeds especially Mrs Jenn.

Oh and those artworks of mine, I did it for Young Talent Exhibition thats happening on January in Sabah Art Gallery I think. I took quite some times to finished all of it but overall I'm happy with how it turns out as a collection. I decided to do self-portraits of myself as a kick-start to my first art exhibition in my life. Although, I probably couldn't be there during the opening ceremony but I think I still can see the exhibition during my holiday on January. Hope so. I'm homesick. x

It rhymes!

This is my happy face when I'm in the studio!

Is it me or my room at home is full of ants, ants are everywhere, it keeps on coming, crawling up to my legs. fuck this shit. Ok random.

Hi guys, it's been like a few days now since I'm back home in Sabah for our mid-sem break. So far, my day couldn't get any better when I'm around with my family. They made me smile in whatever things they're doing.

And now is the third day I'm here, I think, and it's almost midnight, and I'm thinking a lot of things during midnight when I can't go to sleep. And one of them is about my study.

Let me specifically explain to you guys why exactly am I not happy in what I'm doing now. I gave myself a descent few weeks to grow my interest in what I'm doing now. It's failing. I started to force myself to like this course after my duration of giving this course a chance had passed. It's failing. The lecturers are killing me, they called themselves as USA's grads and use the USA's ways of teaching but they got all mixed up between the local ways of teaching with the thinking of the Western people. And they ended up being so strict, that they're not even sure in what they're doing to us. It's failing. Nothing I did before was something that I expected like getting those straight A's in studio until I knew I have it at the back of my hand, I started to down grade again. Fuck!

To add my misery, the Architecture studio is just next door. I have no problem with the students, they're great. It's just that, almost most of the time when I wanna go to MY studio and passed by their studio, it's so heart-broking knowing that I'm not using their studio. I, surprisingly, still wants to be in Architecture. Of all this minutes, hours, days, weeks of studying in my course, still don't give me anything. Although they said, my course and Architecture would have some resemblance but FUCK, nothing similar between these course.

Yes I'm writing an essay, so fuck off If you don't wanna read it.

And now, I'm thinking to change university. Yes, drastic measurement. I can't think up of anything else, I might just kill the risk by going for a shot in a new place. But it still in the midst of air though, don't jump off the conclusion. I haven't decide. What I'm sure now is, I wanna be in Architecture. And it kills me already to be in UM and can only see my friends do their assignments when I can do so much better. No offense.

My heart isn't for this planning course. AT ALL. NO KIDDING. I'm so depress that I've reached that limit where I think, I would be happier if I dont pursue my degree now. But yeah, that's crazy. All I'm saying is, I. Dont. Want. To. Be. In. Planning.

Thanks

Don't need to sing me a song cause if you're happy in your head...

Ac and Hana in our studio :D

Oh god, I don't know how to express my feelings now. I am just too happy to even write about how I feel at this moment.Let me take a moment. Okay. Because, finally mid-sem break's here. And I'm going back to Sabah, as in my home! Oh yes, that blissfulness and glee circulating my head is as if it's surreal. As if like i can see those tiny little happy debris playing around my eyes and I'm enjoying seeing it now. I'm getting tied up with university works and assignments, those mundane and lame activities I've participated are sickening my head. So, now, one week. No stress. No nothing. Just me, my family and most importantly my room and my bed. AND OH YES, BE JEALOUS BITCHES! NOT TO MENTION HOME-COOK FOOD TOO!!! And I want to meet Faw, oh I miss you!

As you know, I've changed my blog url. It's a backward spelling of FFFFENDI so mind you of it's complication to get in my blog okay. And I changed it due to some privacy reasons. Adios.

I'm losing it, losing it

Hello, let me introduce ya'll to my new baby on board! I bought a seconhand-ed Praktica super TL from a friend of mine. I'm not sure why exactly I decided on buying a film camera but I feel that, I've tried on Digital SLR and a lomo cam, why not to try a new thing like a film camera. I've seen the pictures this baby can produced and it's pretty cool in my taste. I'm on my first roll of film now, so I'm so excited how the result would be after I finished it :D

Who's your Daddy?

We are the TnTee :D

And this is Nancy, I uploaded this pic cause it's so nice :D

Anyways, part of my time recently has been totally occupied by lots of activities. Exclusive of some from my studio assignments and classes, I've been part of the TnTee group of all this while. The idea behind this company basically just selling shirts and I became one of the designers. I mean, how awesome can it be if you see people around you are wearing the shirts that you've designed, that feeling of pleasure and satisfaction just filled your body entirely with it.

And the selling went great, we were on sales during FESKUM (Festival Konvokesyen Universiti Malaya) and that was our first official shirt selling experience. All I can ever say is, we're learning from scratch so, things would be better next time in terms of the management. In terms of the selling, we did great on that :)

Mind-fucked

Vain

One of the college drama team cast during Minggu Haluansiswa 2011/2012 (Orientation Week)

x

Hi, life's been such a fuss lately. I haven't been blogging since Raya season about a month ago, that's sure a long time to count right. Not that I don't want to squeeze in any free time to blog but I just don't have any. So far, the new college I'm staying is considerably okay, I don't want to complain. I have two roomates now, they're also okay, I don't want to complain. Nothing much to write about.

And my new course, Urban and Regional Planning is also okay. Still have to go through some hardcore designing process so I'm not entirely in an utter boredom learning that course so far.

I want to get out and take pictures. I'm just too stressed out with everything right now. I'm too busy with my college activities, my studio assignments just can never learn how to stop torturing me. Being a Degree student isn't that easy compared to be a pre-Uni student. You need to be active in all sorts of association in order to keep yourself active and be able to stay in the same college for the next semester. And my study haven't started that much yet, which sucks alot. Cause I want to study, for now, as long as this motivation to do so still kicks in but when I start to run out my motivation juice, I'm doomed.

I. JUST. WANT. TO. FEEL. FREE. AND. TAKE. LOTSA. PICTURES :(

Oh Mr. Raya!

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin dari kami sekeluarga :) Have a fun celebration readers!

Everytime I sweats,it feels like a drop of ocean waves coming down on my face

Look what a dawn artificial light shadows from outside of my house could offer you. A magical,impossible image

Knowing that Bon Iver and St. Iver's song instrumenting through my ear tubes, legs spread out like a pregnant woman in labor, and everytime I sweats, it feels like a drop of ocean waves running down my face, I just knew that this dreamy graceful imagery I'm having is just earthly, terrestrial moving thing I could only have in vague and uncertain time in my life. Wish it wouldn't stop, I wish it could have an unforeseeable long journey that can out-stretched this ever growing imagination, only rapidly emergent more, refuse to when it would stop. I just wished that sometimes...the good times would never end, the happily-ever-after day couldn't see an unsettling departure, but life happens.

Sun and fun II

A special caption for this pic would be "A special photo"

:D The last time we're going out before I'm going back to KL. sobs

It feels like an oven in my room now

Perhaps the same temperature as the earth core. lol

5 things that popped in my head when I mention winter are...

Cold, Sex, Runaway, Love, You

26/8/2011

one,two, ... *snapped* three. after the show, happy nonetheless exhausted

my first attend of a theater show titled "Short Eyes"

Zahiril Adzim (If you don't know him, google him)

As I am trying to catch a sleep, I ran across these pictures in one of my random picture folders, it instantly splashed me an absolute fresh memory on that happy night we (Me Ac Amal Oney) all had that day. Amal brought us by her car to the Actor's Studio in Pavilion KL building, if I'm not mistaken and the building on the roof-top was breath-taking that I need minutes to indulge the sceneric moment (as usual of my in-awe moment). And then, she droved us all the way to Danau Kota to go for a late night look-around in Uptown markets. It was a blast :)

What's not to be love?

It takes a while for me to seriously consider this public humiliation I'm about to show you, my desire of doing lomography had never been more than this, considering this is my...second film of trying. It's supposedly give me a descent,experimenting 36 shots in that roll that I've imported from Hong Kong but as you see, only 9 appears to be developed fine. It's good enough to consider as pictures compared to the ones that don't worked out and never even existed at all. Me and exposed-photo-shots are like arch enemies between the vampire coven and the werewolves clan in Twilight saga, they sorta don't work out in one way but always find themselves a way of failing with each others benefits.

I need to learn more and more. And for me, the third time's a charm right? I bought two films, this and another one that I'm about to use. I will consider to make a useful benefit out of a handle-with-care advice this time. NO MORE UNDERLIGHT PHOTO SNAPS AND ONLY SUNLIGHT EXPOSURE so that I wont waste another precious film in trial. Wish me luck!

Sighs

This is what a broken lens looks like and I swear I want to auction this to anybody that would buy and fix it themselves. Planning to buy a new one when I get back to KL.

And oh man! This pic was taken a long time ago, I this this was still in the early days in UM, I miss my student card, whoever saw and stole my wallet in Shah Alam and took everything inside away, well, FUCK YOU BASTARD